Highlighted Steve Artressia - 3 to 7pm 

You’re Not Shopping Anymore… You’re Under Investigation

Steve Artressia

🔥 Steve’s Heartburn for the Day: “The Self-Checkout Inspector”

You ever notice the second you walk up to self-checkout, the machine immediately acts like you’re attempting an international jewel heist?

I scan ONE thing too quickly and suddenly the screen freezes like I just hacked the Pentagon.

“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA.” Yeah… it’s called bananas, Brenda.

Then the flashing light comes on overhead like the FBI’s about to rappel through the ceiling tiles.

And here comes the employee. Not walking over casually either — no, no. They slowly approach while staring at the screen like they’re reviewing casino security footage from a blackjack table. Meanwhile I’m standing there holding toothpaste and paper towels trying to explain myself like:
“I SWEAR I scanned the yogurt.” And why does the machine yell EVERYTHING?

“PLEASE PLACE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA.” I AM, LADY. WE’RE BOTH TRYING OUR BEST HERE.

Then the scale gets involved. Now the machine suddenly thinks I stole an avocado because the bag weighs three ounces too much.

At one point I removed my own reusable bag because I thought we needed a cooling-off period.

And after all that emotional trauma… the machine still isn’t done with me.

Now it wants to know:

  • Printed receipt?
  • Email receipt?
  • Text receipt?
  • Rewards points?
  • Survey participation?
  • Donate to charity?
  • Would you like to open a store credit card?
  • Would you like your receipt engraved onto a ceremonial stone tablet for future generations?

By the end of it, I don’t feel like a customer anymore.

I feel like I’ve been processed.

Honestly, if I hear:
“PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE”
one more time… I’m just abandoning the cart and living off beef jerky from gas stations forever.

https://1063thefox.com/highlighted/the-scratch-off-counter-squatter/